About Me

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Lapsed anthropologist-turned-burlesque performer and post-modern punk housewife/homesteader living in the beautiful Pacific Northwest with a hunky husband, gorgeous daughter, adorable corgi, fluffy rabbit, and three clucking fabulous chickens.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Of Ailments Great and Small

I've been silent for a while, mostly I haven't felt I had anything worth sharing. I strive to post useful things like tutorials and tips and things I've learned. I don't know why I thought my current journey wouldn't be useful. It might not have to do with homemaking or homesteading, but it's still an important story, I think.

About a month back, Mr. Bear accompanied me to the clinic where I talked to a doctor for the first time about my depression. I've been depressed for about fifteen years. I always thought it was situational. I thought, "I'll feel better when...". When I'm out of my mother's house, when I'm out of the Army, when I have a job, when I have a different job, when I finish school. Well, my life is pretty much fantastic and everything I ever hoped for, and still underneath everything I did there was that undercurrent of sadness. And I was tired of it.

My awesome primary care physician ran some blood work on me and put me on Zoloft. After a few weeks I went back for a follow-up appointment where she informed me that my blood work showed that I have hypothyroidism(an underactive thyroid), which can contribute to depression, weight problems, low energy, etc. Pretty much everything I've been feeling for the last decade and a half. So in addition to my anti-depressants, I am not also on thyroid medication. A low dose for now, to see how I tolerate it.

I have several friends who have gone through the same thing, and they all tell me it'll take about a month to really feel the difference, but that when I do, what a difference it'll be. I'm already feeling much better. The undercurrent of sadness is gone. I no longer cry every day, in fact I only seem to cry when there is something worth crying about, imagine that. I'm sleeping better. Before I started on my anti-depressants, I don't remember going even one day without feeling hopeless and weepy. I feel like I have my life back. It's exhilarating.

I resisted seeking help for so long out of fear of the stigma that depression still carries, the people who think that those with depression are wallowing, that it's something you can just snap out of and if you need help that you're weak. I also feared the effects that medication would have on me, having witnessed people who turned into emotionless monsters. I wish I had sought treatment years ago. I have the energy and desire to do things I've wanted to do for so long but couldn't. I get to enjoy this amazing life I have, with my amazing partner. It isn't an overnight transition. I find myself still avoiding doing things, out of habit more than anything else. It'll take a while to break myself of these habits, but I'm really looking forward to being the person I feel I am inside.


  1. I'm so glad you're feeling better. Currently dealing with PPD right now, so I know very much how it feels to just be sad underneath everything and cry over nothing and no one should have to go through that every day (especially 15 years!!). It takes a strong person to admit they need help and I'm happy you have Mr. Bear to help you through it.

  2. Good for you! There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking help for depression. You can't just "snap" out of it by yourself. And good for Mr. Bear for standing by you. I'm so glad you sought help. Nice to know things are looking up!

  3. I'm so happy for you. Just think how much more enjoyable your wedding planning and event will be! Not to mention everything else of course ... ( I remembered to clicky clicky :) )


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