Not All Men

As I was waiting for the bus one evening, a trio of muscular, obviously inebriated, young men sauntered up to me and slurringly asked if I wanted to come back to their place and "drink some alcohol". I froze, and didn't respond. After a moment, one of them said to the others "C'mon, she probably has a boyfriend." Because that would be the only logical reason for my non-response, right?

The fact is, I have no way of knowing if they were rapists or not. They were probably very nice guys who were just a little too drunk and clumsily trying to flirt. There's every chance that if I had gone with them, nothing bad would have happened. 

Problem is, I live in a culture that tells me that if I went with them and was raped or murdered, it would have been my fault. They were drunk, it was night, I didn't know them, I shouldn't have been so stupid. What did I think would happen?

AT THE SAME TIME it tells me that I'm a horrible person for assuming that they would hurt me, just because they're men. I'm a misandrist, it's not okay to assume that all men are rapists. Not all men are rapists. They were probably nice guys, and if they retaliate to my rejection by raping or murdering me, it's my fault for rejecting and bullying them.

It's my fault. If they rape or murder me. Regardless of circumstance.

This is not something that women can fix alone. We need men to fix this with us. We need you to teach your sons respect and the concepts of bodily autonomy and sexual agency. We need you to demand comprehensive sex ed, so that women aren't valued solely for their sexual purity and viewed as single-use items. We need you to call out your friends on misogyny, even when there are no women around to hear it. We need you to stand with us and demand justice, so that a man who drugs and rapes his unconscious wife for years, films it, and confesses, doesn't get off with no jail time.

Not all men rape. Not all men murder. But all men have a responsibility and obligation to stop the ones who do. We need our male allies to tell other men who make rape jokes to stop. We need our male allies to care enough to stand up to other men who express misogynistic views. We need our male allies to get that so many women experience rape, assault, and intimidation at the hands of other men, instead of getting angry at women who say they are afraid of men.

Please don't decide that this isn't your problem because you don't hurt women. Please don't decide this is only your problem because you feel offended when women say they are afraid of men.

I'm going to keep paraphrasing Margaret Atwood, because the importance of her words cannot be overstated:

Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. #yesallwomen

Further reading from Slate:

 http://www.slate.com/blogs/bad_astronomy/2014/05/27/not_all_men_how_discussing_women_s_issues_gets_derailed.html

From Eric Ravenscraft:
http://ericravenscraft.kinja.com/free-advice-for-guys-reading-about-the-ucsb-shooting-s-1581401068

From Feministe in 2012:

http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2012/01/04/why-yes-but-is-the-wrong-response-to-misogyny/
"When the topic of misogyny comes up, and men change the subject, it trivializes misogyny.

When the topic of misogyny comes up, and men change the subject, it conveys the message that whatever men want to talk about is more important than misogyny.

When the topic of misogyny comes up, and men change the subject to something that’s about them, it conveys the message that men are the ones who really matter, and that any harm done to men is always more important than misogyny.

And when the topic of misogyny comes up, and men change the subject, it comes across as excusing misogyny. It doesn’t matter how many times you say, “Yes, of course, misogyny is terrible.” When you follow that with a “Yes, but…”, it comes across as an excuse. In many cases, it is an excuse. And it contributes to a culture that makes excuses for misogyny."

Pinterest and the "Anti-Feminist" Movement

I've stumbled across quite a few pins on Pinterest labeled "anti-feminist", pictures of women in aprons captioned "This is what an anti-feminist looks like. Fear us."

I don't get it. Feminism is wanting equal rights. Why wouldn't you want that?

Some of the pins conflate misandry with feminism. MISANDRY IS NOT FEMINISM. Double-standards which skew in the favor of women is also not feminism. 

The fact that more men work in dangerous jobs is part of patriarchy, feminists don't want those jobs to be exclusively male. When I was in the military, women still weren't allowed in combat zones. Patriarchal bullshit. 

I want equal pay for women because when my husband retires from the military, he wants to be a stay-at-home dad. I think that's fantastic, and I fully support him. I am more than willing to be the primary breadwinner and support us so that he can stay home and homeschool the kids. But if I'm making 23% less than my male coworkers for doing the exact same job, that affects my entire household. It's not just a "women's issue", it's a human issue. He shouldn't have to work outside the home to make up the difference in my salary if he wants to stay at home. I shouldn't have to work two jobs to make the same a man makes at one. It's about choice. For everyone.

This? Not feminism.

It is never okay to strike anyone, your spouse or otherwise. Physical violence is the last refuge of the cowardly and insecure, regardless of what genitalia they possess.

I know men who have been victims of domestic abuse. Feminism is not saying that men do not suffer from domestic abuse. Real feminists(men and women) work towards making it easier to report domestic abuse, and work toward removing the social stigma of doing so, so that everyone can benefit. Female-on-male violence is horrifically under-reported, because of the extreme stigma against being beaten "by a girl". Because girls are weak and men should be able to dominate them, not get hit by them. Again, patriarchal bullshit. Domestic violence is about control, physical and psychological, and women are just as capable of men of hurting their partners.

Feminism wants equality. That means accepting that women can be bad. Just look at Margaret Thatcher. Part of what feminism is trying to accomplish is removing women from this pedestal of "can-do-no-wrong", dispelling the myth that it's okay for a women to slap a man, that women are naturally in need of protection. A pedestal is just as much a cage as any other small space.

If misandristic bullshit shows up in your Google feed when you search "feminism", that does not mean that those views are actually held by feminists. There will always be sexist assholes out there, of every gender, but actual feminism works towards equality. That's it.

I am a baking, sewing, knitting, crafting, stay-at-home wife and mother, and I am a feminist.
I do not hate men. My husband is awesome, my guy friends are super-rad. I do not walk down the street and assume every man I see is a sexist rapist-in-waiting. I hold doors open for others, and I've had doors held open for me. That's just being polite. Sometimes I make my husband a sandwich. Sometimes he makes me one.

I'll leave you with this talk by Tony Porter, in which he explains what the "man box" is, and why feminism helps men as much as it does women.

On Being a Housewife

Like a lot of educated women in this country, I have been socialized to devalue domestic unpaid labor(traditionally thought of as "women's work"). The term "housewife" brings with it images of browbeaten women with no agency and no options, and applying it to myself brings feelings of shame and failure. Even though I know this is all complete bullshit, it's been an extremely difficult transition for me to make. 

When I met my husband, I was a world-traveling anthropologist, fresh out of university. I had a nest egg and zero student loan debt. I worked for the first year we were together, at a shit bank job that sucked my soul dry and contributed greatly to my ill health. I talked this over with my husband(then-boyfriend), and we agreed that I would quit that job. It was difficult finding another job, as the unemployment situation in our city is dire. Eventually I decided to go back to school and get a degree as a radiology technician, which would allow me to find work at whatever city we found ourselves stationed in. Mr. Bear informed we likely only had a couple years left in our present location.

Unfortunately, I wasn't accepted into the rad tech program last year, and would have to wait a year to reapply. Since that would mean we would be moving before I finished the program, we decided to try for a baby in the time we had left, since we live around a lot of my family and I have a really strong support structure here. I will look for another program when we get settled in our new location.

The practical side of this decision is that, for the next 2-3 years at least, I am a stay-at-home wife and mother. We talked over the possibility of my working and putting the kiddo in childcare, but I would have to be making a considerable amount to cover the cost of childcare and have enough left over to justify someone else looking after the kiddo for the bulk of the day. We decided, and it was a mutual decision that I feel very good about, that I would stay home with the baby. It made more sense financially, and I want this time with my child.

Even though I know this is the best thing for me and my family, I struggle everyday with the identity of "stay-at-home wife and mother". It's not something I ever saw for myself. In my younger days, I even looked down on it(before sociology and life experience beat some sense into me).  Reading other women's blogs that deal with homemaking through a non-traditional viewpoint has been helpful. In particular, Calamity Jane's post on "Reclaiming Housewifery" has helped me articulate the feelings I've been having regarding my transition. 

Linking my new-found domesticity with urban homesteading has definitely helped. Raising my children to take pride in homegrown food, looking after livestock, and providing for ourselves rather than relying on store-bought convenience is one way in which I can effect change on a societal scale. Change begins at home, and achieving the great shift in our society from a throw-away culture reliant on imports and convenience foods requires a revolution in the home. In it's beginning, that was what "Home Economics" was about. Running a household efficiently, being self-sufficient, being thrifty. It requires intelligence and creativity, and a lot of math. Sadly, horribly, home economics has been reduced in schools to how to sew a throw pillow, and how to bake cookies. Not how to provide a nutritious and varied diet for our families on a realistic budget, while saving for emergencies and planning a long-term future.

Domestic unpaid labor is important. Raising the next generation is important. Homemakers wield more power than they(we) realize. When I allow myself to feel like a child who gets an allowance, instead of a vital part of my household and society as a whole, I am doing a great disservice to all of us who, by choice or necessity, apply our talents and intelligence to running our homesteads(be they studio apartments or sprawling farms). It is not "unfeminist" to engage in domestic unpaid labor and child-rearing. We are not wasting our potential by working in the home sphere instead of offices. 

This is not a zero-sum game.

Pastry Party 2012!

Celebrating non-heteronormative relationships with baked goods!

So, my good friend Matt brought this Jezebel article to my attention a few weeks ago. If you have no desire to read it or watch the video(and I completely understand), the run-down is that this man leads Christian-based sex education lectures, and has some interesting ideas about how gay people have sex. Now, while I respect everyone's right to their beliefs, I personally find the belief that homosexuality is wrong/shameful/unnatural to be abhorrent. So when I got to the part of the video in which the lecturer explained his views on homosexuality(using carrots and doughnuts as metaphors for male and female anatomy, respectively) by stating that men were not created to sword-fight and women were not created to have pastry parties, two thoughts immediately occurred to me;


A. Is that how he thinks gay men have sex?
and
B. A pastry party sounds like a freaking fantastic idea!

 Butterscotch and Peppermint Chocolate Meringues

 I invited a bunch of my queer, lesbian, bisexual, and ally friends over for a Pastry Party, where the wine flowed, cookies and cobbler were baked, and conversations about sexuality and heteronormativity were had. It was delightful.

 Making pumpkin snickerdoodles with pumpkin spice kisses on top.

 Chocolate-covered cherry cookies, pre-ganache.

 Just because we don't support dogmatic heteronormative gender roles doesn't mean we don't love aprons.

 I love my hostess apron. It is red, sheer, and covered in teeny-tiny white dots.

 Everyone went home with a cookie sampler plate.

 Mmmm...chocolate-covered cherry.

 Ponyo was pretty excited about all the food.

 

 Peach cobbler.

 

Of course, after everyone cleared out, I realized that all I'd eaten all day were cookies and cobbler...and also that "pastry party" is my new favorite euphemism for lesbian sex.

Edited to add: This post was featured on Offbeat Home, and there are some pretty fun conversations going in the comments. Check it out!

The "SlutWalk" Debate

A friend of mine linked to this article on her facebook page, and it started a dialogue. The authors of the article are of the opinion that using the word "slut" in the name of the event harms feminism, that the word "slut" is too far gone to ever be reclaimed, and that the even itself promotes "general sluttishness".

I think that they are completely missing the point. Completely.

If every woman who is raped is actually a slut, then we must all be sluts, because it can happen to anyone. SlutWalk is not "promoting sluttishness", it's highlighting the hipocrisy in admonishing women to not dress in a way that arouses men while not admonishing men that just because they find themselves aroused by women, that doesn't mean they have the right to force her into sex. Many of the commenters on the original article make comments to the effect of "You don't leave your door unlocked, do you?" or "You don't wear a fancy watch in a bad neighborhood". I find comments like that so offensive it sickens me. If I leave my door unlocked, I don't deserve to be robbed. If I wear sexy clothes or go out unescorted, I do not deserve to be raped. No one deserves to be raped. No one is "asking for it".

On the subject of "don't tempt the rapist", not all rapists are triggered by the same thing, if women are expected to avoid dressing in sexually arousing ways then what is left to wear? Everything is sexually arousing to someone. How about, instead, we get it into people's heads that other people's bodies are not public property, no matter how much you want them. This is, I think, the point that many men struggle to grasp, since they've never lived in a world that regarded themselves and their bodies as public property. When you catcall a woman, when you grope her in passing, you're essentially saying "You're an object of consumption, available to anyone who wants to use you." You take away her personhood.

Also, it's not just about clothes, "slut" is applied to behavior as well. "Why were you out alone at night in that bar/party/your boyfriend's room? What did you expect?" Because women are expected to civilize men. We have to remove the temptation from them because they simply can't help themselves. This is utter bullshit that men should be upset about as well. I cannot believe that more men aren't up in arms about the "she was asking for it, I couldn't help myself" defense of rape, since it paints all men as subhuman and utterly at the mercy of their impulses. I refuse to accept the idea that these men cannot control their actions. Men are just as capable of being good people as women are(I also have a problem with the trope that women are innately "good", moreso than men. It's patronizing bullshit), the overwhelming majority of them are not rapists. To show them over and over that society doesn't think them capable of being human beings is just as big a problem as showing women over and over that it's their fault if they are victimized. Rapists are not gentle, giving lovers who were led astray by revealing clothing; they know what they're doing to their victims. Rapists don't rape because she wore a short skirt. They're bad people. Victim blaming in no way addresses the real problem.

Not all women who walk in the SlutWalk wear revealing clothing. Many wear business suits, tshirts and jeans, knee-length skirts. In doing this, they expose the rationalization of rape as a natural response to displays of female sexuality as the abhorrent lie it is.

If you're going to sit your daughter down and tell her that she can't dress a certain way or go certain places alone, then sit your son down as well and explain to him that he does not have the right to force himself on anyone or use his size and/or strength to intimidate. I don't care what certain political representatives are trying to make people think, coercive rape is still rape. Marital rape is still rape. Acquaintance rape, date rape, it's all still rape.

The bottom line is that this ridiculous double standard of men as insatiable manbeasts who can't control their actions and shouldn't be held responsible for them because it's women's job to civilize them and remove any temptation from them, while at the same time holding women as second-class citizens who are supposed to be subservient to men since men are stronger/more intelligent/more capable/etc. than women, has absolutely got to go. It's not doing a service to either side.

This isn't a battle of the sexes. It isn't women versus men. At least, it shouldn't be perceived that way. I am not a man-hating feminazi because I despise rape culture. I love my man, the partnership we have based on mutual respect. I am not emasculating him by expecting him to treat me as an equal person, I am honoring him as an intelligent, capable, good person. What SlutWalk is asking is that citizens engaging in criminal behavior against their fellow human beings be held accountable for their actions and punished. Why is our society so resistent to that?

.